damn it! i can not control myself!
i can't
i can't
i can't
i can't


DAMN IT!!

i keep on calling and calling again.
i melt by the sound of 'hello' on the other side.
i should have just thrown away my phone,
damn i even text with my new number..


it's not good for me
and yet i keep on doing it
i know it's wrong
i know it's killing me
i said to myself stop, i even said to another that i'd stop
but yet i didn't stop
i never stop loving you

how much i hate it when you're not here
or when you're not picking up the phone
or when you were with that other person
the one you may as well called 'fiance'
but when you said 'hello'
i just smile and start talking to you as if nothing else matters.

but it's actually killing my soul
tearing my heart apart.
it's not your fault,
you're just being kind to me.
how can i not call you, text you, email you, message you
i know i shouldn't not only for your sake but also for my sake
but i just don't know how to stop.

it's like an addiction.
which i don't even know how it started..

i should made that last gift quickly and post it to you
as my final goodbyes,,
i don't know whether it's goodbyes goodbye
or will be just a gesture of goodbye to the old me, the old we..

if i could i want to hold you forever
if i could i want us to live together like during those paeds days in indonesia
just the two of us
picking you up after school was enjoyable
i loved doing it..

this constant looking back to the past probably isn't good too
i wish i could just be brainwashed..

----------

i said on previous posting that i am now at peace
i am at peace
i am starting to accept the fact of you and your fiance
i am at peace
but i still feel numb within
and i still can't smile
and i still don't feel even the tiniest bit of joy
not even on my birthday yesterday, except the time you called me

i think i'm dead inside.
i can't even feel sad or mad when i read your fiance wrote on your facebook
about can't wait seeing you soon.
numb. dead. those are the two words that can define me at this moment.

you've killed me.
without knowing it, without feeling guilty about it
without acting on it, without doing anything wrong
you've killed me.

i shouldn't call you anymore,
i shouldn't contact you by any means for that matter.
i'll try harder dear, i promise i'll try harder not to contact you
for your sake and happiness
and for my sake and sanity..

i shouldn't call you anymore.

my birthday has ended.
no celebration this year but i don't really care.
it doesn't really matter anymore.

but i want to take this opportunity to thank God in a prayer.

dear Father in Heaven,,
i had done so many sinful things this past year that i actually didn't deserve any blessings from You, and yet You blessed me anyway. everyday you blessed me with enough food, enough clothing and strong roof over my head.

Lord, You know that i had gain lots but i also lose lots.
i've been good sometimes but i've been bad most of the times that the line between right from wrong is so blur to me now. i don't now what to do or what to think.
what i want, what i wish for, i know i can not have.
my heart is torned between obeying my heart or the spirit within me.

Dear Jesus, i think i'm about ready to let go of my past, but i feel there's still a little spark of my heart's desire that keep coming out and just trying to survive. i have to kill it and let Your Holy Spirit within me took over me, took over my life. one more step. one more step Lord.
the way i did with the previous serious sin i made, for this one i will also make a closure,
i will not hurt, i will not be selfish, i will restrain myself.

i will give her the last present i can give,
the last kind gesture i can show,
i will give her the gift of peace by me leaving her life
and i will do it gently and kindly that she wouldn't have scar on her heart.
this last one is different from the previous person i hurt Lord,
she has a delicate heart and she don't know You like i do.

things that i regret are:

• i failed to introduce You, the Saviour that i knew to her.. i hope You would still call her as one of Yours, perhaps You could send someone else to rescue her.
• i failed to cure the hurt in her heart
• i feiled her by can not let her go for such a long time

but i do hope that:

• i had teach her how to love and how to be loved
• i had made her realize that she is perfect just the way she is, and that she deserve the best things the world could possibly offer
• i had showed her that it's okay to forgive and forget
• i had gave her lots of great times together
• i had showed her how to be friendly to anyone even if we just had met that person
• i had teach her that it's okay to dream and how to pursue that dream
• i had showed her that there are still so many things in this world outside our cubicle world and that we should pursue it with our very best effort

Lord, perhaps You want to teach me how to love completely and agape-ly by letting me meet this person. You want me to let this person go, to show my love by doing the opposite of what i wanted.
You want me to walk out of this person's life to show how much my love is.
And yes, i want to know too about how much this love really is,
could i really do the selfless gesture?
could i deny my heart's and body's desire for the other's benefit?

but i couldn't reject or hurt this person,,
and i am too honest and too open to this person when we talk,,
so probably i must just simply walk away.
yes i will.

i will not call
i will not text
i will not email/message/comment
anymore..

it hurts me more to leave you.
if you should ever read this,
then you should know,
that's this is very hard for me,
to chose the right thing to do,
instead of the thing i want to do.

which is: the fact that i want to be with you at all time.
but that is not what God wants me to do, for us to do.
you knew it too, cause you even already left me behind on this matter, long before i even realizing all of this.
and indeed i had promise to let Him lead my life, to send me wherever and to do whatever as He pleases.

Lord, right now, i feel kinda numb from all the hurt and sorrow,
but i hope it will past and i could love again..
and i could be filled with Your love again.

Well, lastly i want to thank You Lord for teaching me how to love the way you do.
I hope I can show the world the love that you taught me so that they can see that You live within me.

Thank you Jesus for today. I love you Lord.

And Lord, Kris once said that I could never content by anyone but You, and how true is that.
That friend of mine is right most of the times. thank You for her in my life too aside from my wonderful family and the promising future you had given me.

In the name of Jesus, Your Son and our Saviour we had prayed in rejoice.
AMEN



PS:
the two birthdays i spent with you is two of my greatest birthday ever,
especially the one last time we spent it together.

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
3. Bargaining – "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
4. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.

in a couple of days, i'll either be seeing you or not i still don't know.
i have no plan but only to make peace between my heart and that land.
land of bitterness that happened...
peace, that's all i want, that's all i need.






this a blog entry which i wrote on my birthday, 
my first birthday with you in my life.

Yesterday on my birthday,

i honestly didnt expect anything.

i didnt expect anyone to remember

(except my family of course),

i didnt expect presents,

no, i didnt expect any of those

normally be expected on birthdays.

Damn it! i didn’t even had a birthday wish.

i dont know how or why,

but i get everything i didnt even wish

for my birthday:

my family loves me,

people remembered my B-day,

got lots of presents,

and last but definitely not least,

got lots of great friends.

who am I that God cared so much about?

i am a sinful person

who is so unworthy of His love.

but Jesus, i can feel your love,

so very much overflowing in my life,

for all my life up until today.. and

hopefully until the rest of my life.

Jesus, i love You Lord.

i love You,

i am so very much in love with You.

Dreamed meeting you, and as you were leaving, I pulled you aside to do "4" but you refused and clenched your lips. You then ran away. I cried. I didn't have the chance to hug you. But you've gone now.

Saturday, April 7, 2007 - I was baptized by the name Mary Magdalene. It's been that long, and along the way many sins I had made. So help me God.

I miss you so much.

Ever since we text-ed yesterday, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't help myself and I text-ed you again then you replied,, I miss you so bad, I then called you. Pathetic aren't I? I just can't help myself, I love you so much, against my will, my rationalization. Although I knew, we weren't meant to be and would be better off in our own paths and life, but I think, I need you in my life, even though my mind said NO, my heart said YES. My oh my, how evil are our heart's desires.

We talked, and I finally blurted out about my trip there next month. Hm, I don't know whether it was the right thing to do or not either for me or for you, but I realize that I can't help myself when I'm talking to you, I guess you are the only one that can make me tell the truth about everything,, I mean everything.. Not even Kris can do that.

We ended the call by me saying, "sayang km", and you were silent for a while, giggled for a while and then said, "sayang km jugak" with somewhat a little hesitancy I think. Well, I suppose you were in doubt whether it was the right thing to say or not.

But this blog is a secret from you, if you ever accidentally find it and read it, it's fate. And then you'll know that I never lied about my feelings with you or with the rest of the world. So help me God.

Suddenly, you pop up on my facebook chat, took me by surprise. Talked to me as if nothing had happened, as if everything is okay. It seemed that you didn't care about the fact that it had been two months since we last talk on the phone. You didn't even ask me why I didn't contact you also after a series of un-returned emails I sent you. I dare myself to ask you why didn't you reply my emails, and you only answered "sori, ga sempat". I guess it's obvious that you couldn't careless whether we do keep in touch or not, my feelings don't matter to you anymore.

I regret the action that I've taken today, that I respond to you on facebook chat. I suppose I expect this from myself, that I don't have the heart to ignore you, even though each time we said goodbyes, I always left with the feeling of sadness, anxiety and self-hatred. I think that it is probably best if we never contacted each other again, and I think now I'm strong enough to restraint myself from contacting you in any means but when you reach out to me, how can I say no? how can I hurt your heart although you have hurt mine? I want to hurt you so that perhaps you can understand a tiny bit how my heart had shattered because of you, I planned to, but when you said "Hai", instantly I forgot about those ill intentions and felt just so happy to hear from you. It's just sad and pathetic perhaps.

"Love endures it all" is the words that I cling on.

And now, it's almost time for me to really end it all, once and for all..
I wish I didn't care about you so much so that I won't have to endure this miserable feelings anymore.
I just want to forget, coz the pain of not having you here is just unbearable. You maybe laughing at me or simply just feel sorry for me, coz you just don't feel the same way.

Just go away. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. I can't deal with this much longer.
I am torned between the feeling of missing you and angry with you coz I love you but when I remember your betrayal, your lies, your ignorance all the hurt just come flooding back.
But I do, love you and I do miss you.
But for the sake of my sanity, I need not to hear from you either for now or forever.



[nudnuh, 26sokmo]

Hei, tomorrow is palm sunday. Masa prapaskah sudah berakhir.

I realize that i failed to do most of my commitment but one thing that i am thankful for is that i succeeded to restrain myself from you, my ultimate temptation.
Praise the Lord for that.

But I don't know whether to be grateful or not for the fact that little by little this heart went from ache to numb, as numb as it was before meeting you. Now, I can see the wall build between us, the line, the mountains, the sea, the void that separate us. You have turn your back on me now, and there's nothing I can do but to console and cry to that yellow pillow until it soaked with tears.

We were us, we were we, 
but now it's you, now it's me. 
It just sad, that's all.

But i'm able to restrain myself,
as you always wanted me to.
Are you happy now? 'cause I'm not.

Numb. 
It's all there is.

A couple of days ago, I realized that my external hard drive was gone. I panic and tried really hard to remember where the last time I used it. I trace my way back from the last time I used it which is on my sister laptop before she went out of town doing research. I even turned my room upside down and I also search everywhere, around the house, the cars, the motorcycle, nada! I was becoming frustrated because the data in that thing is very very crucial. I prayed to God to please help me find it. And after a whole day tearing up my room, house, cars and bike,, i finally found it. Yippeeeee ^,^

Geez, i feel like crap. I had so many things to do on my to-do-list, but not a single one is accomplished. I tried to put my mind to do stuffs but somehow my mind keep going back to those dreadful days. Honestly, those was the scariest days of my life, my worst altercation with someone, and it felt surreal. Felt like i'm having PTSD. I don't think i could trust anyone anymore. But maybe in time i can trust again, but that incident still haunt me, those first couple of week i can't sleep and in my sleep i watch the re-run on my dreams and then woke up in the middle of the night. I wish i could just blow that bad memories from my head. Sometime i really felt an ache on my heart. It's hard to believe that we as loving creature who's made from His image, could do such mean things to one another. I'm not saying that i didn't do evil things, on the contrary actually. But surprisingly, i also felt the pain. It's true what they say what goes around, comes around. 


I'm not regretting the mistake i made, i cherished every single second spent although now it's time to pay for it. One said that pain is the price to pay for all precious things. So, it's okay because it was precious memories, really really precious, for the pain is so very very bad.


Just survive for another day, please. 


Tuhan kan dah janji, Dia akan jadikan semua indah pada waktuNya.
Be strong. God Bless us all.




INDAH PADA WAKTUNYA (by: Jonathan Prawira)


Ada waktu untuk berduka
Dan ada waktu tuk tertawa
Untuk segala sesuatunya
Ada waktunya

Ada waktu untuk merombak
Dan ada waktu tuk membangun
Kau jadikan semuanya indah
Pada waktunya

Walau kini kumenabur benih
Sambil mencucurkan air mata, kupercaya
Suatu saat ku kan menuai berkasnya
Sambil bersorak-sorai 

Entah benar, entah tidak. Dulu ketika semasa masih dokter muda, sering ada mitos bahwa si dokter ini beraura pembawa pasien, dokter itu beraura penolak pasien. Mungkin hanya kebetulan, tapi hal itu seringkali terbukti benar.

Malam ini aku sedang jaga, biasanya pasien sepi2 aja setelah jam 12 dan mulai ramai kembali setelah subuh, tapi entah kenapa kali ini byk pasien yg hrs diobservasi,, apa karena mbak perawat yg baru itu? hehe pikiran2 mulai membuat asumsi2 aneh. Tapi nggak apa-apalah, aku pun entah kenapa lagi malas tidur juga...

Tanpa terasa 4 bulan hampir lewat, dan sebentar lagi menginjak milestone ke 6 bulan sejak kamarku berubah menjadi superclutter. Ternyata hal seperti ini tidak semudah yang dibayangkan. Dulu mudah saja dan dengan agak seenaknya bisa memberi nasehat ke teman dalam mengatasi hal seperti ini, to just move on and don't mind it so much. But well, the jokes are on me now, go figure. Apparently it's not that easy, it's not that simple, and everything sucks.

Tried to wonder my mind to other things such as my career, dreaming my goals, and usually thinking about that before i went to sleep would actually help my insomnia. But not tonight. I wonder whether i need that couple of night cap again or not, i just want to sleep it off and hope that tomorrow is gonna be better.

Especially on these dates, after i observe my own behaviour these couple of months, i notice that leading to that certain date, i tend to get very emotional and reminishing those dreadful times that no one knows about, except you. And hope that God forgive me, but every time i remember that person, the blood inside of me boils. But my God said to bless our enemies and pray for them (easy commandments to comprehend but so so hard to do). I still can't put myself down on my knees and pray for that person. And remembering your betrayal of our agreement at that time just make me so mad at you too, but i don't want that, i don't want to be mad at you, so i'm trying to forget it, and my God, it's so hard.

Ah, these note has drifted far away from it's initial purpose. Like i said, it's only a couple of days away from that date and i feel so emotional right now.

So I think i should stop babling for the night.









nudnuh [26always]

it's a new day,, there are plans to fulfill, and things to do. but first of all let me just say thank You Lord, for this morning, it's a beautiful day. please help me God so that i can put myself through today.