Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

[Chorus:]
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

[Repeat Chorus]

It only hurts when I breathe

Mmm, no, I've never looked back--
as a matter fact

[Repeat Chorus]

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

Ooh...

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
How it could be now or might have been (or might have been)
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

Chorus
I never had a dream come true
'Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby 
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day 
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you 

Somewhere in my memory I lost all sense of time
And tomorrow can never be
'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or might have been (or might have been)
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go 

Chorus

You'll always be the dream that fills my head
(Yes you will, say you will, you know you will, oh baby)
You'll always be the one I know (I'll never forget)
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try
I just can't say goodbye 
No no no no

Chorus

A part of me will always be with you... 

in a rush


It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much 
That sometimes I cry, but I can't tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside

How I try to express what's been troubling my mind
But still can't find the words
But I know that something's got a hold of me

It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I can't tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside 
Baby, someday I'll find a way to say
just what you mean to me
But if that day never comes along
and you don't hear this song
I guess you'll never know that...

It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside

And when I say inside, I mean deep
You fill my soul with something I cannot explain
What's over me 


Coz it came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside


It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside


It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside




[i really really miss you, nudnuh]

Dreamed meeting you, and as you were leaving, I pulled you aside to do "4" but you refused and clenched your lips. You then ran away. I cried. I didn't have the chance to hug you. But you've gone now.

Ini sudah kedua kalinya aku beli nasi bebek super banyak dengan niat memenuhi janji pada seorang teman di tempat kerja. Waktu pertama kali dulu beli ekstra 3 bungkus nasi bebek kayu tangan yg terkenal itu, selain buatku and indri. Tapi waktu berangkat kerja ealah malah ketinggalan. Alhasil dimakanlah nasi2 ekstra itu sama  aku, indri dan chiki.

Malam ini aku bawa lagi, walah dalah, malahan temen yg tadinya uda menagih janji itu malahan ga masuk karena sakit katanya, dan yg gantiin dia jaga aku masih blm begitu kenal. Pokok malam ini bukan "graveyard team" yg biasanya deh. Mau diapain ya nasi bebek 3 bungkus itu,, weleh2.. pusing deh....

Sekarang ini lagi menunggu teman yg mau datang ambil KTP buat urusin tiket pulang ke Jakarta kamis ini, kok ya blm dateng ya.. mana aku uda ngantuk lagi....

Saturday, April 7, 2007 - I was baptized by the name Mary Magdalene. It's been that long, and along the way many sins I had made. So help me God.

Actually last week, just last week there were so many things going on that day so that I forgot where I put my watch. Well not only after the next morning when I was going to go work, I realized that my watch that you gave me was missing. Running late to work, that morning I didn't have the time to look for it, I thought that I just probably misplaced it. As soon as I had the time, I dug on my super messy room to look tor it. I couldn't find it. My heart was racing, my mind went berserk. Damn!

I retraced the day that I last saw it in my mind, tried to remember whether I wore the watch until I got home or not. I was so sure that I arrived home that day with my watch on my hand, I knew that I took it off at home during watching American Idol on my room. But even though I already cleaned up my room as an attempt to find the watch, still I couldn't find it. The worst possibility struck-ed me, the thought that I might dropped the watch somewhere along the way just made me frantic.

Two days after the watch gone missing, I literally retraced the day that I lost that watch. Still I couldn't find it. I even then printed out a "Missing watch" flyers and planning to spread it out around campus (the last place i was sure that I was still wearing my watch).

And yesterday morning (almost a week since the incident), I tried to look for it again before I started spreading the flyers in campus and all. I looked on my drawers which I've done it already actually. But this time, I search it more thoroughly. I give the search and rescue thing one more shot before giving up and accepting the fact that the watch is gone based on a hunch or an advise from my friend at work: Mrs. Mamik. I guess thanks to her 'psychic' ability, I finally FOUND IT!

What a relieve! I thank God that I didn't lose the watch that you gave me and I promised to look after my belongings more carefully..


[i'm so sorry for almost losing your watch]

I miss you so much.

Ever since we text-ed yesterday, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't help myself and I text-ed you again then you replied,, I miss you so bad, I then called you. Pathetic aren't I? I just can't help myself, I love you so much, against my will, my rationalization. Although I knew, we weren't meant to be and would be better off in our own paths and life, but I think, I need you in my life, even though my mind said NO, my heart said YES. My oh my, how evil are our heart's desires.

We talked, and I finally blurted out about my trip there next month. Hm, I don't know whether it was the right thing to do or not either for me or for you, but I realize that I can't help myself when I'm talking to you, I guess you are the only one that can make me tell the truth about everything,, I mean everything.. Not even Kris can do that.

We ended the call by me saying, "sayang km", and you were silent for a while, giggled for a while and then said, "sayang km jugak" with somewhat a little hesitancy I think. Well, I suppose you were in doubt whether it was the right thing to say or not.

But this blog is a secret from you, if you ever accidentally find it and read it, it's fate. And then you'll know that I never lied about my feelings with you or with the rest of the world. So help me God.

Suddenly, you pop up on my facebook chat, took me by surprise. Talked to me as if nothing had happened, as if everything is okay. It seemed that you didn't care about the fact that it had been two months since we last talk on the phone. You didn't even ask me why I didn't contact you also after a series of un-returned emails I sent you. I dare myself to ask you why didn't you reply my emails, and you only answered "sori, ga sempat". I guess it's obvious that you couldn't careless whether we do keep in touch or not, my feelings don't matter to you anymore.

I regret the action that I've taken today, that I respond to you on facebook chat. I suppose I expect this from myself, that I don't have the heart to ignore you, even though each time we said goodbyes, I always left with the feeling of sadness, anxiety and self-hatred. I think that it is probably best if we never contacted each other again, and I think now I'm strong enough to restraint myself from contacting you in any means but when you reach out to me, how can I say no? how can I hurt your heart although you have hurt mine? I want to hurt you so that perhaps you can understand a tiny bit how my heart had shattered because of you, I planned to, but when you said "Hai", instantly I forgot about those ill intentions and felt just so happy to hear from you. It's just sad and pathetic perhaps.

"Love endures it all" is the words that I cling on.

And now, it's almost time for me to really end it all, once and for all..
I wish I didn't care about you so much so that I won't have to endure this miserable feelings anymore.
I just want to forget, coz the pain of not having you here is just unbearable. You maybe laughing at me or simply just feel sorry for me, coz you just don't feel the same way.

Just go away. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. I can't deal with this much longer.
I am torned between the feeling of missing you and angry with you coz I love you but when I remember your betrayal, your lies, your ignorance all the hurt just come flooding back.
But I do, love you and I do miss you.
But for the sake of my sanity, I need not to hear from you either for now or forever.



[nudnuh, 26sokmo]

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool

So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me 




















[nudnuh, 26sokmo]

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea
I can still hear inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart
Well you can try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown
You make my body feel heaven-bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me
I thought you told me you’d never leave me

Looking in the sky I can see your face
And i knew right where I’d fit in
Take me, make me. 
You know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right til the end

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could have told you right from the start it’s bout fall apart
So rather than hold onto a broken dream I'll just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it. Don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I’m gonna find a way to make it without you














[nudnuh, 26sokmo]

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

[Chorus]

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star 



[nudnuh - 26sokmo, that's for sure]

Hei, tomorrow is palm sunday. Masa prapaskah sudah berakhir.

I realize that i failed to do most of my commitment but one thing that i am thankful for is that i succeeded to restrain myself from you, my ultimate temptation.
Praise the Lord for that.

But I don't know whether to be grateful or not for the fact that little by little this heart went from ache to numb, as numb as it was before meeting you. Now, I can see the wall build between us, the line, the mountains, the sea, the void that separate us. You have turn your back on me now, and there's nothing I can do but to console and cry to that yellow pillow until it soaked with tears.

We were us, we were we, 
but now it's you, now it's me. 
It just sad, that's all.

But i'm able to restrain myself,
as you always wanted me to.
Are you happy now? 'cause I'm not.

Numb. 
It's all there is.

"Cherry" that's the name of the car that my sister and i had been using these couple of years. Last night, i had an unfortunate incident with my blue cherry. I was off to work around 9.30 pm, while suddenly i heard a hissing sound from my car. I thought i probably had a flat tire, so i pulled over and i checked all the tires. Apparently all seemed okay, so i got in my car and drive. About 1 km from that, suddenly the engine just stopped. Luckily the traffic wasn't crowded and i can pull over again. I got a little bit panicked there, not because it was in the middle of the night on a quiet neighborhood but more because that i would be coming late to work. I immediately tried to call my aunt to have my cousin towed my car, but i can't reach her which the next day i found out that she had already gone to bed.

So, i prayed and i tried to start the engine,, and thank God it worked. Well for at least 500 meters anyway before it suddenly stopped again. Then i started to get really panicked. So i then called my colleague to call the clinic that i'm having car trouble and that i would probably be late for an hour or so. After that i tried to start my car again, and again it worked for about 400 meters. And by that third stop i was at the middle of factories complex in the night and very  quiet. I got really scared.

I tried again and thank God it still work. So i drive faster so that perhaps i can make it on a single run to the clinic. But unfortunately it stopped again around 500 meters away from the clinic. And this last stopped lasted quite sometime. I tried over and over again and it still wont budge. Until finally after i don't know how many times, it finally worked and i arrived at the front of the clinic.

--to be continued--

A couple of days ago, I realized that my external hard drive was gone. I panic and tried really hard to remember where the last time I used it. I trace my way back from the last time I used it which is on my sister laptop before she went out of town doing research. I even turned my room upside down and I also search everywhere, around the house, the cars, the motorcycle, nada! I was becoming frustrated because the data in that thing is very very crucial. I prayed to God to please help me find it. And after a whole day tearing up my room, house, cars and bike,, i finally found it. Yippeeeee ^,^

Congrats to my dear friend who is now preparing to embark on her new adventure as a doctor in Raja Ampat Islands in West Papua, Indonesia. I am so happy for her, and excited as well and a little bit jealous I suppose. See, that actually that is also my dream to went out there and have an adventure instead of sitting in an office waiting for patients to come. Not that I'm not grateful of my blessings, I do. But it just seems so exciting.

I can honestly say you've been on my mind
Since I woke up today, up today
I look at your photograph all the time
These memories come back to life
And I don't mind

I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing

But I remember those simple things
I remember 'til I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Is goodbye

I woke up this morning and played are song
And throwing my tears, I sang along
I picked up the phone and then put it down
'Cause I know I'm wasting my time
And I don't mind

I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing

But I remember the simple things
I remember 'til I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget

Suddenly my cell phone's blowing up
With your ringtone
I hesitate but answer it anyway
You sound so alone
And I'm surprised to hear you say

You remember when we kissed
You still feel it on your lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing

You remember the simple things
We talked 'til we cried
You said that your biggest regret
The one thing you wish I'd forget
Is saying goodbye, saying goodbye
Ooh, goodbye

When i watch this video, and hear the story of this one Nic Vujicic, i felt that my problems aren't really that important and somewhat ridiculous. So let's not give up hope. God bless all of us.

Geez, i feel like crap. I had so many things to do on my to-do-list, but not a single one is accomplished. I tried to put my mind to do stuffs but somehow my mind keep going back to those dreadful days. Honestly, those was the scariest days of my life, my worst altercation with someone, and it felt surreal. Felt like i'm having PTSD. I don't think i could trust anyone anymore. But maybe in time i can trust again, but that incident still haunt me, those first couple of week i can't sleep and in my sleep i watch the re-run on my dreams and then woke up in the middle of the night. I wish i could just blow that bad memories from my head. Sometime i really felt an ache on my heart. It's hard to believe that we as loving creature who's made from His image, could do such mean things to one another. I'm not saying that i didn't do evil things, on the contrary actually. But surprisingly, i also felt the pain. It's true what they say what goes around, comes around. 


I'm not regretting the mistake i made, i cherished every single second spent although now it's time to pay for it. One said that pain is the price to pay for all precious things. So, it's okay because it was precious memories, really really precious, for the pain is so very very bad.


Just survive for another day, please. 


Tuhan kan dah janji, Dia akan jadikan semua indah pada waktuNya.
Be strong. God Bless us all.




INDAH PADA WAKTUNYA (by: Jonathan Prawira)


Ada waktu untuk berduka
Dan ada waktu tuk tertawa
Untuk segala sesuatunya
Ada waktunya

Ada waktu untuk merombak
Dan ada waktu tuk membangun
Kau jadikan semuanya indah
Pada waktunya

Walau kini kumenabur benih
Sambil mencucurkan air mata, kupercaya
Suatu saat ku kan menuai berkasnya
Sambil bersorak-sorai 

Engkau tahu dihatiku
Ada sejuta rindu
tuk selalu bersamaMu, Yesusku
Ijinkanku menyenangkan hatiMu
lewat nyanyian hatiku


Reff:
Biarkanlah kumenyembah
Walau tak dengan puisi yang indah
Biarkanlah kumenyembah
Memberikan hati ini, kuberserah


Dengan penuh
kasih sayang
Biarkan Tuhan 
aku menyembah

Entah benar, entah tidak. Dulu ketika semasa masih dokter muda, sering ada mitos bahwa si dokter ini beraura pembawa pasien, dokter itu beraura penolak pasien. Mungkin hanya kebetulan, tapi hal itu seringkali terbukti benar.

Malam ini aku sedang jaga, biasanya pasien sepi2 aja setelah jam 12 dan mulai ramai kembali setelah subuh, tapi entah kenapa kali ini byk pasien yg hrs diobservasi,, apa karena mbak perawat yg baru itu? hehe pikiran2 mulai membuat asumsi2 aneh. Tapi nggak apa-apalah, aku pun entah kenapa lagi malas tidur juga...

Tanpa terasa 4 bulan hampir lewat, dan sebentar lagi menginjak milestone ke 6 bulan sejak kamarku berubah menjadi superclutter. Ternyata hal seperti ini tidak semudah yang dibayangkan. Dulu mudah saja dan dengan agak seenaknya bisa memberi nasehat ke teman dalam mengatasi hal seperti ini, to just move on and don't mind it so much. But well, the jokes are on me now, go figure. Apparently it's not that easy, it's not that simple, and everything sucks.

Tried to wonder my mind to other things such as my career, dreaming my goals, and usually thinking about that before i went to sleep would actually help my insomnia. But not tonight. I wonder whether i need that couple of night cap again or not, i just want to sleep it off and hope that tomorrow is gonna be better.

Especially on these dates, after i observe my own behaviour these couple of months, i notice that leading to that certain date, i tend to get very emotional and reminishing those dreadful times that no one knows about, except you. And hope that God forgive me, but every time i remember that person, the blood inside of me boils. But my God said to bless our enemies and pray for them (easy commandments to comprehend but so so hard to do). I still can't put myself down on my knees and pray for that person. And remembering your betrayal of our agreement at that time just make me so mad at you too, but i don't want that, i don't want to be mad at you, so i'm trying to forget it, and my God, it's so hard.

Ah, these note has drifted far away from it's initial purpose. Like i said, it's only a couple of days away from that date and i feel so emotional right now.

So I think i should stop babling for the night.









nudnuh [26always]