Hmm... 

Ooh...ooh... 





All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop 

Oh baby, tell me why’d you have to go 

‘Cause this pain I feel it won’t go away 

And today I’m officially missin’ you 





I thought that from this heartache, I could escape 

But I’ve fronted long enough to know 

There ain’t no way 

And today I’m officially missing you 





Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you 

Said every little thing you do, hey, baby 

Said it stays on my mind 

And I-I’m officially... 





All I do is lay around, 2 years full of tears 

From looking at your face on the wall 

Just a week ago you were my baby 

Now I don’t even know you at all, I don’t know you at all 





Well, I wish that you would call me right now 

So that I could get through to you somehow 

But I guess it’s safe to say, baby, safe to say 

that I-I’m officially missin’ you 





Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you 

Said every little thing you do, hey, baby 

Said it stays on my mind 

And I-I’m officially 





Well, I thought I could just get over you, baby 

But I see that is something I just can’t do 

From the way you would hold me 

To the sweet things you told me 

I just can’t find a way to let go of you 





Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you 

Said every little thing you do, hey, baby 

Said it stays on my mind 

And I-I’m officially... 





It’s official 

Hoo, you know that I’m lovin’ you, yeah, yes 

All I hear is raindrops, oh, yeah 

And I-I’m officially missin’ you 




-by Tamia








Bun, you will be officially out of my reach this Friday. I'm happy for you, I'm happy that you're happy and I know that this is the right thing to do for you and for me. But i still feel sad, and i asked myself why,, i guess the answer is because you don't love me anymore although we both know that loving each other and staying together are definitely the wrong things to choose. Since the very beginning of our relationship, i knew that it will end, it must end someday, what i didn't realize was that it would be so hard to do, it would be so hard to get over you, it would be so hard to not missing you each and every single day, and as days of our togetherness went on how much i fell so in love with you. 


Bun, I will try to be a bigger person, i will congratulate you, i will bless you, i will pray for your happiness coz even more than myself, my selfishness, my ego, i still love and care for you, and all that matters to me is your happiness even though i'm not the one who will be giving you that happiness. And for you, i will also try to pursuit my happiness, i will try to get over this feeling, i will try to forget you, not having you on my mind every beat of my heart,, right now i don't know how is that possible, but in time,, i will get over you, i will be okay, i will be happy. I will happy so that you can also be happy and not be burdened by me anymore. 


Bun, what we had was real, i believe that, but i know that it has to end now, and i'm saying farewell to our love, to our relationships. We met by chance and become what we were by choice,,, that night before you kissed me, you asked, "bener ga pa pa, ga akan nyesel nanti?" well i can say this to you bun, i don't. I don't regret it, we make each other happy for a good period of time, and i achieved my goal to make you happy for the last days of your stays here in Indonesia, I think I've been a good hostess to you and I do hope that this country be a bit sweeter to you and not anymore leave bitter memories. Take care of yourself, be happy, i pray that you receive everything that you dreamed of, everything that you deserve. You will always have a special place in my heart, bun..


goodbye. 

“Have you ever been in love?

Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination.

Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

by Neil Gaiman

What did you think,
I would do at this moment,
When you're standing before me,
With tears in your eyes
Tryin to tell me that you
Found you another
And you just don't love me no more

And what did you think,
I would say at this moment,
When I'm faced with the knowledge,
That you just don't love me ?
Did you think I would curse you,
Or say things to hurt you,
Cause you just don't love me no more..

Did you think I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Oh come on you know me too well!
How could I hurt you
When darling I love you
And you know, I would never hurt you..

What do you think
I would give at this moment
If you just stay I'd subtract twenty years from my life
I'd fall down on my knees,
I kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again

I'd fall down on my knees
Kiss the ground that you walk on baby
If I could just hold you
If I could just hold you
I would fall down, down on my knees
Oh God, please
Let me hold you, let me hold you
Again...

I'm gonna miss you, girl
I'm gonna miss you, girl

I can see the tears in your eyes, baby

I'm down, you know, I'm down on my knees

What do you think I would do, babe






i know i had said and did terrible things as a response of losing you..
i am sorry for all of that, 
but actually deep in my heart, i wish the best for you
and i love you always..


my ego, my selfishness had covered me during our months of separation
but in the end, love wins and i know now i can pray for you in peace..


i'm sorry for everything, 
and i truly wish you all the happiness that life can bring.


bye bun.

i dream about you again last night
and in my dreams we were happy
we love each other
i suppose thats why they call it dream
because it is not real.

hope you had a great day yesterday,
although you didn't return my text message
it's okay,,

i am the fool who expect you'd reply
but thank God, He got me through the day.

i will have a package sent to you
as a gift,
don't know whether you'd like it or not
but i hope you do
i hope it can cheer your days
i hope you'd crack a smile when you open it
like the smile of a child on Christmas day
facing loads of present

i hope you accept my gift with joy instead of sorrow
i wish you long life happiness bun.

you hate me now,
you don't contact me at all these days
so i guess there's no more you and i

you're not in my life anymore
that is a sad fact
but actually even before i realize it,
you were already gone

so i wish all the best for you.

I'm here, just like I said 
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart, is just the same;
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say "I do"
Give everything to you
But I could never now be true

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I'm here, so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm?

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say - you're right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten, twice as shy
If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again

I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now 

Yes, I will.
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper...
I think I better leave right now

i had a dream about you last night.
i hugged you and it felt so real.
i hated the fact that now you're with your fiancé,
and i remembered i told you that in my dream.. it also felt real.

i miss you
i want  you here
i want the old days back
i want our era back

but it's impossible hun,
i know it
you know it
but i still want it,, crave it

you loved me
but i love you still

i don't know what to say or think anymore.
i lost. i don't want to speak anymore unless it is really necessary.

i am broken
i am damaged
you did this to me
but yet it is also my fault

to love you
to let myself be this vulnerable

now i'm like a war casualties
broken, damaged, disabled

i hope i can restrain myself from you this week.
this is the week when your fiancé is going to visit you.

bun,
i just got an epiphany.

as much as it hurt seeing you with that person
as much as it hurt watching your happiness from the sidelines
as much as it hurt..

now i know why i can not stop contacting you
no matter how hard i tried and tried
i know now why i can not forget you to ease the pain
as i forget those other people that hurt me before

it's because a life without you
is even more painful
is even more unbearable
is unimaginable
is impossible to live

you're my sun
you're my sky
you're my sea
you're my air

how can i possibly live without you
a life in this condition, i must admit is unbearable
it's like being shot by a bullet right through my heart
everytime i see you and that person

but a life without you in it
i can't imagine

i don't know what i was thinking before
i guess i was trying to avoid the pain
but in fact what i was doing, hurt me even more

bun, now i'm simply trying to survive
i don't know what will happened in the future
i don't know what the future holds for me
i don't know if i can bear the fact you're getting married soon
i don't know if i'll survive after that

but what i know now,
what my heart and body trying to tell my mind,
is that i can not live without you,
and that any kind of life is better than a life without you

perhaps i truly really love you
so that i can bear the staggering pain that waits for me
so that i don't care what may happened to me later
so that i don't care how much pain i'll suffer
so that what i really want is for you to be happy
well, either that or i'm just about an inch away of losing my mind

you see that i can't live without
my sun,
my sky,
my sea,
my air

i can't live,,
without you in my life, bun.

ultimately no one is more stupid and stubborn than i am
i kept on calling and texting you anyway
although i know i shouldn't
and i said to you, things that i know i shouldn't
like: miss you, remembering all the memories that had happened
said that i'm jealous, wish you'd text me again after work,
why you didn't reply my text, when you'd call me back,

damn damn damn
i know i shouldn't
why i can not control my heart
my head already screaming NOOOOOOOOOO
DON'T CALL
DON'T TEXT
DON'T EVEN ATTEMPT ANY KIND OF COMMUNICATION


i know
i know
i know
i know that i must do that for my own good and for your good
i know that i must leave you alone, to live your own life
so that you may live happily

gosh, somebody should just ran over me
so that i'd may get amnesia
or that i'd die instead

cause i can't live with you like this
but life without you i don't want
life without you i don't know how now
what should i do?
tell me what should i do?

this is killing me inside

so confused
to be honest with you, i'm still confused,, but not about the answer.
the answer is obvious.
but one thing that is still confusing is on how to do it.
i am scared...

i'm afraid that i will hurt you
or that you wouldn't understand
but on the other side, i sometimes don't really care
cause all this time you've hurt me too
and yet you don't seemed to care,
so why should i
but as naive as i have always been,
i do care about you forever still..

i just wish that this time period will just go by quickly
and i will have already forgotten completely of all the hurt and pain.

right now the hurt and pain i felt before last week journey
indeed has decreased a lot,, a lot,,,
now i don't feel stabbing pain right through my chest anymore.

six months ago after that incident happened,
at the same period of date of every month,
i would feel anxious, sad, depressed, angry, hurt, hate all mix up
and i would cry and cry and cry
and became silent

but this month,,
after last week trip,,
i feel a bit relief,
i feel a tiny light of hope,
but unfortunately still feel numb about most things.
and all i can think of right now is just how to forget

i guess i think
by you forgetting me
and me forgetting you
we may go our own separate path
as if nothing ever happened between us
perhaps, then, i will be okay, you'll be okay (free of me)
we'll be okay

cause if i can't forget you,
i know that i'll spent the rest of my life unhappy
by living in despair all the time.
while you live happily
but what will that leave me.
i'll be alone, and lonely..

bun, although i don't want a life without you
and though i love you so so very much,
i know and realize it perfectly, we are not meant to be
it is clearly impossible..
all of this makes having you in my life is unbearable for me


so i'm still trying to vanish and restrain myself from you
and sincerely still praying that you'd live happily
though i can not be a part of your life and happiness
it just too painful for me,, i am so sorry bun.
live your life happily, don't mind me.
i'll be okay eventually
i'll forget about you eventually


i always been able to forget things
apparently that is one of my talent
to forget about things, people,,
but dunno why, so hard to forget about you..
perhaps because i love you so damn much.

i need to be as far away from you and from all surrounding you.
but now you are still one click away from my facebook
and watching that person keep on and on writing on your facebook page,
hurt me.. it supposed to be me, to be us. in my dream at least..

i hope i have the courage to remove/block you and those between you and me
so that perhaps when the your happy day comes, i may not hear about your happy news.
i can't hear it
i just can't

if i see your photos on your happy days,
i would be so heart broken,
i know i will..

so if someday you don't see me again on your facebook friends,
or if someday you try to find me and can't,
i hope you can understand,
that i'm being selfish and choose to hide away.

if i could, i want to remove you from my brain..
it just hurt so so bad..
to love you, to be loved by you
but can not be together coz you had to returned to your true love
i'm nothing but a fling to you
or in your nice term, i'm your best friend..

no matter what label you want to put on me,
you don't love me anymore,, the way you used to,
it's just a fact that brings tears to my eyes each and every time

i don't know whether you'd read this or not,,
probably not.. but at least i never hide my heart,,
i always put my heart on my sleeves..
for you to know
for you to hurt

i don't want to say another goodbye
i will just simply vanish..
i do hope you have a happy life, but sorry i can not be any part of it at all.
it is just to painful to me.

you are not the one that i fell in love with anymore
you are not the one that love me anymore
i don't know who you are.

vanish-

damn it! i can not control myself!
i can't
i can't
i can't
i can't


DAMN IT!!

i keep on calling and calling again.
i melt by the sound of 'hello' on the other side.
i should have just thrown away my phone,
damn i even text with my new number..


it's not good for me
and yet i keep on doing it
i know it's wrong
i know it's killing me
i said to myself stop, i even said to another that i'd stop
but yet i didn't stop
i never stop loving you

how much i hate it when you're not here
or when you're not picking up the phone
or when you were with that other person
the one you may as well called 'fiance'
but when you said 'hello'
i just smile and start talking to you as if nothing else matters.

but it's actually killing my soul
tearing my heart apart.
it's not your fault,
you're just being kind to me.
how can i not call you, text you, email you, message you
i know i shouldn't not only for your sake but also for my sake
but i just don't know how to stop.

it's like an addiction.
which i don't even know how it started..

i should made that last gift quickly and post it to you
as my final goodbyes,,
i don't know whether it's goodbyes goodbye
or will be just a gesture of goodbye to the old me, the old we..

if i could i want to hold you forever
if i could i want us to live together like during those paeds days in indonesia
just the two of us
picking you up after school was enjoyable
i loved doing it..

this constant looking back to the past probably isn't good too
i wish i could just be brainwashed..

----------

i said on previous posting that i am now at peace
i am at peace
i am starting to accept the fact of you and your fiance
i am at peace
but i still feel numb within
and i still can't smile
and i still don't feel even the tiniest bit of joy
not even on my birthday yesterday, except the time you called me

i think i'm dead inside.
i can't even feel sad or mad when i read your fiance wrote on your facebook
about can't wait seeing you soon.
numb. dead. those are the two words that can define me at this moment.

you've killed me.
without knowing it, without feeling guilty about it
without acting on it, without doing anything wrong
you've killed me.

i shouldn't call you anymore,
i shouldn't contact you by any means for that matter.
i'll try harder dear, i promise i'll try harder not to contact you
for your sake and happiness
and for my sake and sanity..

i shouldn't call you anymore.

my birthday has ended.
no celebration this year but i don't really care.
it doesn't really matter anymore.

but i want to take this opportunity to thank God in a prayer.

dear Father in Heaven,,
i had done so many sinful things this past year that i actually didn't deserve any blessings from You, and yet You blessed me anyway. everyday you blessed me with enough food, enough clothing and strong roof over my head.

Lord, You know that i had gain lots but i also lose lots.
i've been good sometimes but i've been bad most of the times that the line between right from wrong is so blur to me now. i don't now what to do or what to think.
what i want, what i wish for, i know i can not have.
my heart is torned between obeying my heart or the spirit within me.

Dear Jesus, i think i'm about ready to let go of my past, but i feel there's still a little spark of my heart's desire that keep coming out and just trying to survive. i have to kill it and let Your Holy Spirit within me took over me, took over my life. one more step. one more step Lord.
the way i did with the previous serious sin i made, for this one i will also make a closure,
i will not hurt, i will not be selfish, i will restrain myself.

i will give her the last present i can give,
the last kind gesture i can show,
i will give her the gift of peace by me leaving her life
and i will do it gently and kindly that she wouldn't have scar on her heart.
this last one is different from the previous person i hurt Lord,
she has a delicate heart and she don't know You like i do.

things that i regret are:

• i failed to introduce You, the Saviour that i knew to her.. i hope You would still call her as one of Yours, perhaps You could send someone else to rescue her.
• i failed to cure the hurt in her heart
• i feiled her by can not let her go for such a long time

but i do hope that:

• i had teach her how to love and how to be loved
• i had made her realize that she is perfect just the way she is, and that she deserve the best things the world could possibly offer
• i had showed her that it's okay to forgive and forget
• i had gave her lots of great times together
• i had showed her how to be friendly to anyone even if we just had met that person
• i had teach her that it's okay to dream and how to pursue that dream
• i had showed her that there are still so many things in this world outside our cubicle world and that we should pursue it with our very best effort

Lord, perhaps You want to teach me how to love completely and agape-ly by letting me meet this person. You want me to let this person go, to show my love by doing the opposite of what i wanted.
You want me to walk out of this person's life to show how much my love is.
And yes, i want to know too about how much this love really is,
could i really do the selfless gesture?
could i deny my heart's and body's desire for the other's benefit?

but i couldn't reject or hurt this person,,
and i am too honest and too open to this person when we talk,,
so probably i must just simply walk away.
yes i will.

i will not call
i will not text
i will not email/message/comment
anymore..

it hurts me more to leave you.
if you should ever read this,
then you should know,
that's this is very hard for me,
to chose the right thing to do,
instead of the thing i want to do.

which is: the fact that i want to be with you at all time.
but that is not what God wants me to do, for us to do.
you knew it too, cause you even already left me behind on this matter, long before i even realizing all of this.
and indeed i had promise to let Him lead my life, to send me wherever and to do whatever as He pleases.

Lord, right now, i feel kinda numb from all the hurt and sorrow,
but i hope it will past and i could love again..
and i could be filled with Your love again.

Well, lastly i want to thank You Lord for teaching me how to love the way you do.
I hope I can show the world the love that you taught me so that they can see that You live within me.

Thank you Jesus for today. I love you Lord.

And Lord, Kris once said that I could never content by anyone but You, and how true is that.
That friend of mine is right most of the times. thank You for her in my life too aside from my wonderful family and the promising future you had given me.

In the name of Jesus, Your Son and our Saviour we had prayed in rejoice.
AMEN



PS:
the two birthdays i spent with you is two of my greatest birthday ever,
especially the one last time we spent it together.

last year you were here with me
last year you gave me the best birthday ever
last year we spent the night and the day together
last year we love each other very much

i miss last year.
i miss you this year.

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
3. Bargaining – "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
4. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. 
Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. 
None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch.
And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. 
And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) 
I shan't have lied. 
It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster. 


by Elizabeth Bishop

in a couple of days, i'll either be seeing you or not i still don't know.
i have no plan but only to make peace between my heart and that land.
land of bitterness that happened...
peace, that's all i want, that's all i need.






this a blog entry which i wrote on my birthday, 
my first birthday with you in my life.

Yesterday on my birthday,

i honestly didnt expect anything.

i didnt expect anyone to remember

(except my family of course),

i didnt expect presents,

no, i didnt expect any of those

normally be expected on birthdays.

Damn it! i didn’t even had a birthday wish.

i dont know how or why,

but i get everything i didnt even wish

for my birthday:

my family loves me,

people remembered my B-day,

got lots of presents,

and last but definitely not least,

got lots of great friends.

who am I that God cared so much about?

i am a sinful person

who is so unworthy of His love.

but Jesus, i can feel your love,

so very much overflowing in my life,

for all my life up until today.. and

hopefully until the rest of my life.

Jesus, i love You Lord.

i love You,

i am so very much in love with You.

Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

[Chorus:]
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

[Repeat Chorus]

It only hurts when I breathe

Mmm, no, I've never looked back--
as a matter fact

[Repeat Chorus]

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe