so confused
to be honest with you, i'm still confused,, but not about the answer.
the answer is obvious.
but one thing that is still confusing is on how to do it.
i am scared...

i'm afraid that i will hurt you
or that you wouldn't understand
but on the other side, i sometimes don't really care
cause all this time you've hurt me too
and yet you don't seemed to care,
so why should i
but as naive as i have always been,
i do care about you forever still..

i just wish that this time period will just go by quickly
and i will have already forgotten completely of all the hurt and pain.

right now the hurt and pain i felt before last week journey
indeed has decreased a lot,, a lot,,,
now i don't feel stabbing pain right through my chest anymore.

six months ago after that incident happened,
at the same period of date of every month,
i would feel anxious, sad, depressed, angry, hurt, hate all mix up
and i would cry and cry and cry
and became silent

but this month,,
after last week trip,,
i feel a bit relief,
i feel a tiny light of hope,
but unfortunately still feel numb about most things.
and all i can think of right now is just how to forget

i guess i think
by you forgetting me
and me forgetting you
we may go our own separate path
as if nothing ever happened between us
perhaps, then, i will be okay, you'll be okay (free of me)
we'll be okay

cause if i can't forget you,
i know that i'll spent the rest of my life unhappy
by living in despair all the time.
while you live happily
but what will that leave me.
i'll be alone, and lonely..

bun, although i don't want a life without you
and though i love you so so very much,
i know and realize it perfectly, we are not meant to be
it is clearly impossible..
all of this makes having you in my life is unbearable for me


so i'm still trying to vanish and restrain myself from you
and sincerely still praying that you'd live happily
though i can not be a part of your life and happiness
it just too painful for me,, i am so sorry bun.
live your life happily, don't mind me.
i'll be okay eventually
i'll forget about you eventually


i always been able to forget things
apparently that is one of my talent
to forget about things, people,,
but dunno why, so hard to forget about you..
perhaps because i love you so damn much.