Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

[Chorus:]
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

[Repeat Chorus]

It only hurts when I breathe

Mmm, no, I've never looked back--
as a matter fact

[Repeat Chorus]

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

Ooh...

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
How it could be now or might have been (or might have been)
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

Chorus
I never had a dream come true
'Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby 
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day 
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you 

Somewhere in my memory I lost all sense of time
And tomorrow can never be
'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or might have been (or might have been)
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go 

Chorus

You'll always be the dream that fills my head
(Yes you will, say you will, you know you will, oh baby)
You'll always be the one I know (I'll never forget)
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try
I just can't say goodbye 
No no no no

Chorus

A part of me will always be with you... 

in a rush


It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much 
That sometimes I cry, but I can't tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside

How I try to express what's been troubling my mind
But still can't find the words
But I know that something's got a hold of me

It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I can't tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside 
Baby, someday I'll find a way to say
just what you mean to me
But if that day never comes along
and you don't hear this song
I guess you'll never know that...

It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside

And when I say inside, I mean deep
You fill my soul with something I cannot explain
What's over me 


Coz it came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside


It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside


It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside




[i really really miss you, nudnuh]

Dreamed meeting you, and as you were leaving, I pulled you aside to do "4" but you refused and clenched your lips. You then ran away. I cried. I didn't have the chance to hug you. But you've gone now.

Ini sudah kedua kalinya aku beli nasi bebek super banyak dengan niat memenuhi janji pada seorang teman di tempat kerja. Waktu pertama kali dulu beli ekstra 3 bungkus nasi bebek kayu tangan yg terkenal itu, selain buatku and indri. Tapi waktu berangkat kerja ealah malah ketinggalan. Alhasil dimakanlah nasi2 ekstra itu sama  aku, indri dan chiki.

Malam ini aku bawa lagi, walah dalah, malahan temen yg tadinya uda menagih janji itu malahan ga masuk karena sakit katanya, dan yg gantiin dia jaga aku masih blm begitu kenal. Pokok malam ini bukan "graveyard team" yg biasanya deh. Mau diapain ya nasi bebek 3 bungkus itu,, weleh2.. pusing deh....

Sekarang ini lagi menunggu teman yg mau datang ambil KTP buat urusin tiket pulang ke Jakarta kamis ini, kok ya blm dateng ya.. mana aku uda ngantuk lagi....

Saturday, April 7, 2007 - I was baptized by the name Mary Magdalene. It's been that long, and along the way many sins I had made. So help me God.

Actually last week, just last week there were so many things going on that day so that I forgot where I put my watch. Well not only after the next morning when I was going to go work, I realized that my watch that you gave me was missing. Running late to work, that morning I didn't have the time to look for it, I thought that I just probably misplaced it. As soon as I had the time, I dug on my super messy room to look tor it. I couldn't find it. My heart was racing, my mind went berserk. Damn!

I retraced the day that I last saw it in my mind, tried to remember whether I wore the watch until I got home or not. I was so sure that I arrived home that day with my watch on my hand, I knew that I took it off at home during watching American Idol on my room. But even though I already cleaned up my room as an attempt to find the watch, still I couldn't find it. The worst possibility struck-ed me, the thought that I might dropped the watch somewhere along the way just made me frantic.

Two days after the watch gone missing, I literally retraced the day that I lost that watch. Still I couldn't find it. I even then printed out a "Missing watch" flyers and planning to spread it out around campus (the last place i was sure that I was still wearing my watch).

And yesterday morning (almost a week since the incident), I tried to look for it again before I started spreading the flyers in campus and all. I looked on my drawers which I've done it already actually. But this time, I search it more thoroughly. I give the search and rescue thing one more shot before giving up and accepting the fact that the watch is gone based on a hunch or an advise from my friend at work: Mrs. Mamik. I guess thanks to her 'psychic' ability, I finally FOUND IT!

What a relieve! I thank God that I didn't lose the watch that you gave me and I promised to look after my belongings more carefully..


[i'm so sorry for almost losing your watch]

I miss you so much.

Ever since we text-ed yesterday, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't help myself and I text-ed you again then you replied,, I miss you so bad, I then called you. Pathetic aren't I? I just can't help myself, I love you so much, against my will, my rationalization. Although I knew, we weren't meant to be and would be better off in our own paths and life, but I think, I need you in my life, even though my mind said NO, my heart said YES. My oh my, how evil are our heart's desires.

We talked, and I finally blurted out about my trip there next month. Hm, I don't know whether it was the right thing to do or not either for me or for you, but I realize that I can't help myself when I'm talking to you, I guess you are the only one that can make me tell the truth about everything,, I mean everything.. Not even Kris can do that.

We ended the call by me saying, "sayang km", and you were silent for a while, giggled for a while and then said, "sayang km jugak" with somewhat a little hesitancy I think. Well, I suppose you were in doubt whether it was the right thing to say or not.

But this blog is a secret from you, if you ever accidentally find it and read it, it's fate. And then you'll know that I never lied about my feelings with you or with the rest of the world. So help me God.

Suddenly, you pop up on my facebook chat, took me by surprise. Talked to me as if nothing had happened, as if everything is okay. It seemed that you didn't care about the fact that it had been two months since we last talk on the phone. You didn't even ask me why I didn't contact you also after a series of un-returned emails I sent you. I dare myself to ask you why didn't you reply my emails, and you only answered "sori, ga sempat". I guess it's obvious that you couldn't careless whether we do keep in touch or not, my feelings don't matter to you anymore.

I regret the action that I've taken today, that I respond to you on facebook chat. I suppose I expect this from myself, that I don't have the heart to ignore you, even though each time we said goodbyes, I always left with the feeling of sadness, anxiety and self-hatred. I think that it is probably best if we never contacted each other again, and I think now I'm strong enough to restraint myself from contacting you in any means but when you reach out to me, how can I say no? how can I hurt your heart although you have hurt mine? I want to hurt you so that perhaps you can understand a tiny bit how my heart had shattered because of you, I planned to, but when you said "Hai", instantly I forgot about those ill intentions and felt just so happy to hear from you. It's just sad and pathetic perhaps.

"Love endures it all" is the words that I cling on.

And now, it's almost time for me to really end it all, once and for all..
I wish I didn't care about you so much so that I won't have to endure this miserable feelings anymore.
I just want to forget, coz the pain of not having you here is just unbearable. You maybe laughing at me or simply just feel sorry for me, coz you just don't feel the same way.

Just go away. I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. I can't deal with this much longer.
I am torned between the feeling of missing you and angry with you coz I love you but when I remember your betrayal, your lies, your ignorance all the hurt just come flooding back.
But I do, love you and I do miss you.
But for the sake of my sanity, I need not to hear from you either for now or forever.



[nudnuh, 26sokmo]

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool

So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me 




















[nudnuh, 26sokmo]