my birthday has ended.
no celebration this year but i don't really care.
it doesn't really matter anymore.
but i want to take this opportunity to thank God in a prayer.
dear Father in Heaven,,
i had done so many sinful things this past year that i actually didn't deserve any blessings from You, and yet You blessed me anyway. everyday you blessed me with enough food, enough clothing and strong roof over my head.
Lord, You know that i had gain lots but i also lose lots.
i've been good sometimes but i've been bad most of the times that the line between right from wrong is so blur to me now. i don't now what to do or what to think.
what i want, what i wish for, i know i can not have.
my heart is torned between obeying my heart or the spirit within me.
Dear Jesus, i think i'm about ready to let go of my past, but i feel there's still a little spark of my heart's desire that keep coming out and just trying to survive. i have to kill it and let Your Holy Spirit within me took over me, took over my life. one more step. one more step Lord.
the way i did with the previous serious sin i made, for this one i will also make a closure,
i will not hurt, i will not be selfish, i will restrain myself.
i will give her the last present i can give,
the last kind gesture i can show,
i will give her the gift of peace by me leaving her life
and i will do it gently and kindly that she wouldn't have scar on her heart.
this last one is different from the previous person i hurt Lord,
she has a delicate heart and she don't know You like i do.
things that i regret are:
You want me to walk out of this person's life to show how much my love is.
And yes, i want to know too about how much this love really is,
could i really do the selfless gesture?
could i deny my heart's and body's desire for the other's benefit?
but i couldn't reject or hurt this person,,
and i am too honest and too open to this person when we talk,,
so probably i must just simply walk away.
yes i will.
i will not call
i will not text
i will not email/message/comment
anymore..
it hurts me more to leave you.
if you should ever read this,
then you should know,
that's this is very hard for me,
to chose the right thing to do,
instead of the thing i want to do.
which is: the fact that i want to be with you at all time.
but that is not what God wants me to do, for us to do.
you knew it too, cause you even already left me behind on this matter, long before i even realizing all of this.
and indeed i had promise to let Him lead my life, to send me wherever and to do whatever as He pleases.
Lord, right now, i feel kinda numb from all the hurt and sorrow,
but i hope it will past and i could love again..
and i could be filled with Your love again.
Well, lastly i want to thank You Lord for teaching me how to love the way you do.
I hope I can show the world the love that you taught me so that they can see that You live within me.
Thank you Jesus for today. I love you Lord.
And Lord, Kris once said that I could never content by anyone but You, and how true is that.
That friend of mine is right most of the times. thank You for her in my life too aside from my wonderful family and the promising future you had given me.
In the name of Jesus, Your Son and our Saviour we had prayed in rejoice.
AMEN
PS:
the two birthdays i spent with you is two of my greatest birthday ever,
especially the one last time we spent it together.
no celebration this year but i don't really care.
it doesn't really matter anymore.
but i want to take this opportunity to thank God in a prayer.
dear Father in Heaven,,
i had done so many sinful things this past year that i actually didn't deserve any blessings from You, and yet You blessed me anyway. everyday you blessed me with enough food, enough clothing and strong roof over my head.
Lord, You know that i had gain lots but i also lose lots.
i've been good sometimes but i've been bad most of the times that the line between right from wrong is so blur to me now. i don't now what to do or what to think.
what i want, what i wish for, i know i can not have.
my heart is torned between obeying my heart or the spirit within me.
Dear Jesus, i think i'm about ready to let go of my past, but i feel there's still a little spark of my heart's desire that keep coming out and just trying to survive. i have to kill it and let Your Holy Spirit within me took over me, took over my life. one more step. one more step Lord.
the way i did with the previous serious sin i made, for this one i will also make a closure,
i will not hurt, i will not be selfish, i will restrain myself.
i will give her the last present i can give,
the last kind gesture i can show,
i will give her the gift of peace by me leaving her life
and i will do it gently and kindly that she wouldn't have scar on her heart.
this last one is different from the previous person i hurt Lord,
she has a delicate heart and she don't know You like i do.
things that i regret are:
- i failed to introduce You, the Saviour that i knew to her.. i hope You would still call her as one of Yours, perhaps You could send someone else to rescue her.
- i failed to cure the hurt in her heart
- i feiled her by can not let her go for such a long time
- i had teach her how to love and how to be loved
- i had made her realize that she is perfect just the way she is, and that she deserve the best things the world could possibly offer
- i had showed her that it's okay to forgive and forget
- i had gave her lots of great times together
- i had showed her how to be friendly to anyone even if we just had met that person
- i had teach her that it's okay to dream and how to pursue that dream
- i had showed her that there are still so many things in this world outside our cubicle world and that we should pursue it with our very best effort
You want me to walk out of this person's life to show how much my love is.
And yes, i want to know too about how much this love really is,
could i really do the selfless gesture?
could i deny my heart's and body's desire for the other's benefit?
but i couldn't reject or hurt this person,,
and i am too honest and too open to this person when we talk,,
so probably i must just simply walk away.
yes i will.
i will not call
i will not text
i will not email/message/comment
anymore..
it hurts me more to leave you.
if you should ever read this,
then you should know,
that's this is very hard for me,
to chose the right thing to do,
instead of the thing i want to do.
which is: the fact that i want to be with you at all time.
but that is not what God wants me to do, for us to do.
you knew it too, cause you even already left me behind on this matter, long before i even realizing all of this.
and indeed i had promise to let Him lead my life, to send me wherever and to do whatever as He pleases.
Lord, right now, i feel kinda numb from all the hurt and sorrow,
but i hope it will past and i could love again..
and i could be filled with Your love again.
Well, lastly i want to thank You Lord for teaching me how to love the way you do.
I hope I can show the world the love that you taught me so that they can see that You live within me.
Thank you Jesus for today. I love you Lord.
And Lord, Kris once said that I could never content by anyone but You, and how true is that.
That friend of mine is right most of the times. thank You for her in my life too aside from my wonderful family and the promising future you had given me.
In the name of Jesus, Your Son and our Saviour we had prayed in rejoice.
AMEN
PS:
the two birthdays i spent with you is two of my greatest birthday ever,
especially the one last time we spent it together.
