damn it! i can not control myself!
i can't
i can't
i can't
i can't


DAMN IT!!

i keep on calling and calling again.
i melt by the sound of 'hello' on the other side.
i should have just thrown away my phone,
damn i even text with my new number..


it's not good for me
and yet i keep on doing it
i know it's wrong
i know it's killing me
i said to myself stop, i even said to another that i'd stop
but yet i didn't stop
i never stop loving you

how much i hate it when you're not here
or when you're not picking up the phone
or when you were with that other person
the one you may as well called 'fiance'
but when you said 'hello'
i just smile and start talking to you as if nothing else matters.

but it's actually killing my soul
tearing my heart apart.
it's not your fault,
you're just being kind to me.
how can i not call you, text you, email you, message you
i know i shouldn't not only for your sake but also for my sake
but i just don't know how to stop.

it's like an addiction.
which i don't even know how it started..

i should made that last gift quickly and post it to you
as my final goodbyes,,
i don't know whether it's goodbyes goodbye
or will be just a gesture of goodbye to the old me, the old we..

if i could i want to hold you forever
if i could i want us to live together like during those paeds days in indonesia
just the two of us
picking you up after school was enjoyable
i loved doing it..

this constant looking back to the past probably isn't good too
i wish i could just be brainwashed..

----------

i said on previous posting that i am now at peace
i am at peace
i am starting to accept the fact of you and your fiance
i am at peace
but i still feel numb within
and i still can't smile
and i still don't feel even the tiniest bit of joy
not even on my birthday yesterday, except the time you called me

i think i'm dead inside.
i can't even feel sad or mad when i read your fiance wrote on your facebook
about can't wait seeing you soon.
numb. dead. those are the two words that can define me at this moment.

you've killed me.
without knowing it, without feeling guilty about it
without acting on it, without doing anything wrong
you've killed me.

i shouldn't call you anymore,
i shouldn't contact you by any means for that matter.
i'll try harder dear, i promise i'll try harder not to contact you
for your sake and happiness
and for my sake and sanity..

i shouldn't call you anymore.